"Have you ever felt invisible even in the arms of those who were meant to love you? Felt the weight of absence pressing against your chest, the echo of voices you cannot ignore? You are not alone. There is a thread, fragile yet unbreakable, connecting every beating heart that has ever cried out for love."

With a scream in my lungs, I wake up. Like always.
Sweating and with a heartbeat like driving to hell. It is dark. Dark like the
deepest night. No moon is shining who could guide me through this. I am alone.
Lost in the darkness. Lost in this world of heartless people. I thought that
was the deal. Mother and father and a child. Meant to be together forever.
Loving and caring. But that is not true. It’s an illusion. A creation we
thought was right. Every child deserves that. But not me. And that hurts. Deeply
in my heart. Two times, it has been broken apart.

“Is this the right time?!”, she asked. “Do you think it’s the right time?!”, asked God back with a grin in his face. “I am not sure!”, she answered. Like always. Insecurity is holding her back. “Do
you feel it could be the right time?”, she can hear God’s loving voice close to
her heart. “It could be!”
“You have been watching this woman for ages now. I know, don’t look at me like that. I have seen you. You love her. You want to be a part of her life. You want to make her feel loved and cared for and want to be the person in her life to make her feel alive again. So what’s holding you back now?!”, she wasn’t sure.

“Take a deep breath and stop thinking.”, he continued. She felt the excitement in her system to come earthside again. She has been through this a thousand times
already, but it’s always new nevertheless. And different. Every constellation is individual. A new beginning. Her hesitating had been right.
Something was different this time. She felt so drawn to this woman and was
afraid at the same time. She felt the blackness. The challenge was what would come. But she had chosen long before. It’s her fate to go.

In the beginning, everything was the same. The warm cosy corner. The heartbeat that surrounded her and made her feel found and loved. The universe, magical transformation,
from a little corn to a human body.

But still, there was something else.
Something she couldn’t name. Didn’t want to taste. She heard God whisper in her ears: “You are in the right place at the right time. Everything is alright!” But it didn’t feel alright. “I am scared!”, she confessed. Light greeted her. She cried and tried to get rid of the feeling that hurt in her chest. She couldn’t breathe properly. There was something blocking her lungs. Screaming wasn’t helping. She was afraid of the feeling of being afraid. Seconds passed by, and someone grabbed her.

A whirlwind took her and brought her away. She cannot describe
it. And then from now to then, she was alone. It was silent. She felt coldness
running down her skin. “Where am I?”, she cried. This time, she didn’t get an
answer. The feeling of being lost was creeping up her spine. “I am alone!”
Seconds became minutes. Minutes became hours, and hours became days. For her, time wasn’t important. The important thing was that she felt alone where she shouldn’t feel alone. In this moment. But then she heard a voice so familiar that her heart started beating faster. She knew this voice. It was her universe coming back to get her. To make her feel whole again.

And she came. Her mother took her out of this strange thing she was in and took her in her arms. Oh my gosh, that felt good. Hearing her voice again. Feeling her warmth again. Smelling her scent for the first time. She felt her emotions exploding full of joy. This is how it is meant to be.

But this feeling doesn’t last long, and she was alone again. — It hurts
so much. Lying here in my bed alone. Waking up every night to this nightmare
called >lost within worlds.< “Mumma.” I cry. “I cannot remember you! Your
laughter. Your face. Your voice. Your body. After my birth, you must have been there every now and then for the first three years. That’s what they said, but there is nothing saved in my heart. Your mental health wasn’t good. I don’t hold that against you. No. But I am lying here in my bed, wishing you close to
my chest. I have been wishing for the last 13 years. My heart is aching. All
the years I felt helpless and built a wall around me. I can’t remember ever
having called you >Mum<. The loving word >Mumma<. You couldn’t be the safe heaven that mums offer.
So, I was alone and had to rely on
my instincts. I clung tightly to Dadda.

They didn’t tell me much about you, and I am sorry, I didn’t ask either. I was so caught up in my world fighting for love that I forgot all about you. Or I was afraid that the world around me could fall apart again. And it did. I was right to be afraid. Like I always was. Dadda sent me to another family without saying
goodbye. He never came back to pick me up. Mumma, he left me, too. He really
did. Without a word, he was gone. I mean, I was 8 years old. I was old enough to talk to. Wasn’t I? Where did he go and why? Am I not good enough? I cried day and night. How can God be so cruel?!

I looked for you in other women. There
were even some I followed. I just wanted to make sure that they hadn’t told me lies. My little heart always hoped, when there was a knock on the door, that
you would stick your head through the door, holding out your arms laughing. But that never happened. I know now why. Just the other night, I got a letter.
Written from you so many years ago. Mumma, I am sorry, it just arrived. I would have followed you to the moon. You wrote

“My dear Madelaine, unfortunately, we never really
got to know each other. I only had you around me until you were three. But what I got to know about you, I loved. I really did. All those years, I longed for
contact for closeness. But I was in a psychiatric hospital all those years.
Please ask your father why. Very well, I would have loved to hug you! I wish
you all the best health you can get, happiness, and lots of love for the rest
of your life! With love, your Mumma.”

They told me you are dead. That you have recently passed away. Alone. Nobody knows exactly when! You were seriously ill and never wanted to go back to the hospital. You decided to give up this life here on earth. I am thinking the same. How are you feeling now? How is the paradise up in the sky? Shall I come and we can play?

Up until this point, I hadn’t really realized that you really existed. I thought it was all an illusion. A story they had made up. I have to tell you that I saw a woman from far away the other day. From the few photographs I have, she looked like you. I was sure you were there, but I was briefly distracted, and when I turned around again, you were gone. You were already dead. Now I know. Oh, that hurts so deeply in my chest. Tears are running down
my cheeks to burn my lips.

This is how she felt. What she really deeply felt and she wanted to give up life too. Exactly like her Mumma. But she didn’t. There was something stronger in her. One day, she woke up and said: “I am going to break the circle. I am not my Mumma. It’s not my story. There must be something else.” She didn’t know where that came from, but she smiled. She felt this excitement again called >feeling alive.< All the years, she was blinded
by the story she told herself. It wasn’t even hers. Yes, she was hurt, and the
child within her was still crying. So, she took this little girl in her arms
and sang her lullabies day and night. While she was rocking herself, God talked to her again: “For the child who feels lost. May you feel found and loved.
There are no people in this world who can make you feel deeply found and loved.
You are the only person in your life who can truly activate the feeling of, I
am found and loved.” And
that is what she did. Every day, she said: “I am found and loved. I am found and loved.” Every day, she believed it a bit more. It wasn’t her fate to make her Mumma feel better. It was her fate to feel alive again. To break the circle of ancestor connections. She got rid of every shoe that didn’t fit her right. She walked her way barefoot and is still walking on this beautiful land.

Take a moment now. Close your eyes and feel the child within you — the one who trembles, who longs, who aches for safety. Whisper to her: I see you. I hear you. You are found. You are loved.
Breathe in that truth. Let it fill the corners of your heart that fear has shadowed for so long. What if the love you’ve been seeking from others has always been within you? What does it feel like to claim it now, here, for yourself?

Love, Stefanie Anna